Have you caught an episode of Duck Dynasty yet? If not, you are missing out on some great redneck escapades and perhaps one of the last bastions of the American way.
The storyline is that Phil, the patriarch of the family, figured out how to make great duck calls — to the point it apparently made he and his family rich enough to buy all the swamp-land, ATV's and shotguns they want.
If you think about it, Phil should have run for president. Yes, of the United States of America. If Phil were elected, I feel sure we would be debt free by the end of his second term. Our country would embrace the values the founders originally envisioned, and kids would learn how to clean and eat what they kill.
I'm guessing Paula Deen would be Secretary of State, and obviously Ted Nugent would be Secretary of the Interior. ATVs would be street legal. Deen would likely woo our friends and enemies with home cooking and lots of hugs. Nugent would open federal lands for more hunting. Visualizing world peace through the blue eyes of Paula Deen could be a reality.
Jimmy Houston would probably have to fight some Ivy League kid for Treasury secretary, and in a first for the Union, California would be allowed to secede, permanently. The Russians would have to race the Chinese across the Pacific to see who would invade first. Obviously, Chuck Norris will be secretary of defense.
A lot of people pay big money to play a round of golf with guys such as Tiger Woods and Rory McIlroy, but I'd wager Phil could get top dollar for a day of duck hunting, fishing with a dinner from the day's harvest prepared by his loving wife Miss “Miz” Kay, the matriarch of the family.
The family seems to play more than it works, and there is a lot of good eating going on as a family thanks to Miss Kay. She is a homespun woman, who is constantly making jelly or pies, and claims unashamedly to have a penchant for squirrel brains.
She may be the sexiest woman on TV.
Then you have uncle Si, who is a Vietnam veteran and sweet tea addict, who dispenses his nuggets of wisdom to the progeny of his brother.
It just goes to show you truth is stranger and funnier than fiction.
My dad was big on hunting. He would have gotten along well with Phil. In fact, he could call ducks as well as anyone I ever saw. He should have been a tester for the guys from West Monroe.
Jamie pointed out to me recently that I had never taken him duck hunting. I told him we would do it, but had to check with my co-worker Bill to verify he could help me make good on the representation.
It reminded me of the time just before I was married, when I mentioned to my grandfather I had never been on a quail hunt.
He took note of it, and then at our rehearsal dinner in a classic speech that gets funnier every year it's mentioned that if Elizabeth would let me he wanted to take me on a quail hunt in order to “correct that deficiency in my upbringing.”
Now it is my turn to do the same for Jamie. There is really nothing as exhilarating as hearing a flight of ducks cup their wings on the way in to a stand of decoys. It is a sound every boy should hear, followed by the blasting of T-shot skyward in an effort to bring some meat home.
I'm so disconnected from duck hunting these days I wouldn't know who the most avid hunters are. In my youth there were a few legendary hunters known to chase ducks almost daily, none more avid than Dan Woldert.
At this time of the year when traditions are revisited and renewed it has warmed me a little to think about all the great times my dad and I had duck hunting together. It frequently involved his friends and extended family and everyone brought something different to the event. It was kind of our own little duck dynasty if you will.
Maybe I can muster the energy to crawl out of my warm bed some morning in the near future and bundle up to check off another box on the list of Jamie's proper upbringing.