Posted 2:20 am Sunday, June 24, 2012
Send to Kindle
Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter?
As if the battle between good and evil were not adequately defined with a war between brothers and a nation torn apart, we are now introduced, through the medium of historical fantasy novels, to a new parallel battle.
The vampires of course belong to slave owners and Lincoln finds enough spare time to define himself as a killer of vampire vermin in what is sure to go down as a celluloid classic. Frankly, from a strictly historical interpretation, I would have chosen Henry Clay to kill vampires instead of honest Abe.
A few weeks back, my column lamented the cheapening of the office of the president by the occupants themselves, but who could darken one of the greatest presidents in our history better than producer Tim Burton? Especially with a purported $70 million budget.
It made me wonder what would come next, besides perhaps the return of Christ.
Millard Fillmore: closet salsa dancer? What about Teddy Roosevelt vs. "Alien" and "Predator" plus a low-level billing of WWE wrestlers and Mike Tyson.
Didn't our presidents have enough to take on without adding another element to their already challenged lives?
FDR: Aristocrat by birth, street dweller by night. The storyline here is simple; the great man sneaks out to the streets of D.C. at night and walks around. The whole wheelchair bit is a ruse which allows him to wear a wig on the streets and meet up with people such as Churchill on the streets, under the bridges and at key national monuments. He even has a stand-up bit for tips when things get slow.
James Buchanan: this bachelor president has clandestine meetings with his nemesis Genghis Khan in what should be remembered as a forgettable president giving an unforgettable performance next to one of history's greatest tyrants. They are constantly interrupted by his zombie girlfriend until he puts her out of her misery. Can you guess what this sequel will bring?
Eisenhower at Augusta. While this may seem innocuous and predictable, Ike actually fancies playing golf with women. Sneaking them into Augusta is akin to walking in the front door of the White House without a security screening. Crosby and Hope play the women and Tony Curtis, of course, because he already had experience playing the part from another film.
The bad part is Ike gets a reputation for wanting a tree to be cut down on the 17th hole, allegedly because it interferes with his ball flight while playing the hole. Truth is, it's where he lost a $2 Nassau to a couple of real ladies from Savannah and he is forced to pay up and play the rest of the hole with his pants at his ankles because of a poor tee shot (you would have to be an avid golfer to understand). The girls are never seen again but the tree remains.
Wanna get sillier?
Truman played night baseball in a cornfield in Iowa with hogs and Honus Wagner.
Washington and Franklin flew kites together at night to channel the Greek gods who were pestering them constantly to go for a monarchy instead of their silly ideas of a democratic republic.
Thomas Jefferson: Ninja assassin?
Andrew Johnson: Sasquatch trainer?
Had enough? Me too.
In the name of everything decent let's hope they stop with Lincoln being a vampire slayer.
