Recently a stop at a red light gave me a glimpse into the past. A lady was pulled up next to me and it caught my attention that she was applying her makeup with the mirror on her visor pulled down. It would be difficult to say it was one of those “aha” moments, but it struck me that for all the hoopla (rightly so) being made of people texting and driving being so dangerous, what about applying makeup while driving?
Considering the target demographic of this column, I can feel a gust of cool wind blowing through my office as I bang on the keys.
So let me remind my gentle readers that this column has routinely asserted the superiority of the female mind over the males in the species.
The real question here is whether the average female Southerner can drive better while applying makeup and hairspray and leafing through Vogue, Cosmo, etc. than some redneck who has guzzled five beers or a teen who is texting.
Clearly our desperate car-wife would have mussed hair and no makeup on at the starting line.
The obstacle course could include a school crossing and pickup feature for our heroine. The other competitors would obviously have to avoid running over any of the children (not real kids; don’t be ridiculous).
A challenge for the beer guzzler could be a simulation of going through a drive-through at Taco Bell at 3 a.m. without hitting any of the protective bollards around the window. The one in town that appears to have been hit the most is at the Sonic on South Broadway. How hard can that really be?
The challenge for the teen could simulate navigating the parking lot of Andy’s in the heat of a drought-ridden summer —while texting.
Finally our teen texter could have the simulated crisis of needing to get to a one-hour sale at Old Navy while being forced to babysit their little sister.
The drama would be riveting.
We all know the end of this story. The teen stops at the real Andy’s for ice cream on the way home and forgets about the sale and the little sister. They arrive at home only to meet the extended hand of a parent insisting the phone is now grounded from the child.
The redneck jackknife’s his truck in the Taco Bell drive-thru and requires the Jaws of Life to get out of the pickle just in time to get cuffed and booked for DUI.
Our heroine meanwhile emerges from her vehicle fully coiffed and made up and even has fresh polish on her nails (Is it just me or is anyone else picturing Kelly Ripa?). The tinted windows in her vehicle camouflaged her activities and she acts as if it was all a tempest in a teapot. The music from “Bewitched” can be heard faintly in the background.
She remarks as she accepts the winner’s trophy that multitasking is not just for Windows 7.