Posted 12:27 am Sunday, March 11, 2012
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Put On The Brakes When Applying The Blush?
Any resemblance real or implied to any persons (particularly women) I have ever known, been related to or been married to or an in-law of is completely coincidental and unintended. The characterizations in this column are purely intended to illustrate a point and in no way have ever been derived from any actual contact with individuals involved specifically in any of these behaviors with the specific exception of any of my minor children. Any gender references may have been transposed to protect the innocent/or guilty as the case may be except in the case of Ellen DeGeneres. Reading on from this point expressly indemnifies the author from any lawsuit, contempt or general angst from the general public and from anyone who routinely prepares any of my meals either at home or in restaurants.
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Recently a stop at a red light gave me a glimpse into the past. A lady was pulled up next to me and it caught my attention that she was applying her makeup with the mirror on her visor pulled down. It would be difficult to say it was one of those “aha” moments, but it struck me that for all the hoopla (rightly so) being made of people texting and driving being so dangerous, what about applying makeup while driving?
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Recently a stop at a red light gave me a glimpse into the past. A lady was pulled up next to me and it caught my attention that she was applying her makeup with the mirror on her visor pulled down. It would be difficult to say it was one of those “aha” moments, but it struck me that for all the hoopla (rightly so) being made of people texting and driving being so dangerous, what about applying makeup while driving?
One might think this would have been addressed in a publication such as the Southern Belle Primer perhaps, but is there anything in the uniform traffic code addressing hair and makeup and the commensurate fines/jail time which could/should be earned for such offenses?
Considering the target demographic of this column, I can feel a gust of cool wind blowing through my office as I bang on the keys.
So let me remind my gentle readers that this column has routinely asserted the superiority of the female mind over the males in the species.
The real question here is whether the average female Southerner can drive better while applying makeup and hairspray and leafing through Vogue, Cosmo, etc. than some redneck who has guzzled five beers or a teen who is texting.
Considering the target demographic of this column, I can feel a gust of cool wind blowing through my office as I bang on the keys.
So let me remind my gentle readers that this column has routinely asserted the superiority of the female mind over the males in the species.
The real question here is whether the average female Southerner can drive better while applying makeup and hairspray and leafing through Vogue, Cosmo, etc. than some redneck who has guzzled five beers or a teen who is texting.
It’s tempting to turn this idea into a competition. Can’t you just see it? Right in the mall parking lot between J.C. Penney and BJ’s Brewhouse we could create a controlled environment for testing the theory. Heck, we might even get that Ellen DeGeneres lady to show up and emcee the event. Or we could take the show on the road to some familiar local venues.
Clearly our desperate car-wife would have mussed hair and no makeup on at the starting line.
The obstacle course could include a school crossing and pickup feature for our heroine. The other competitors would obviously have to avoid running over any of the children (not real kids; don’t be ridiculous).
A challenge for the beer guzzler could be a simulation of going through a drive-through at Taco Bell at 3 a.m. without hitting any of the protective bollards around the window. The one in town that appears to have been hit the most is at the Sonic on South Broadway. How hard can that really be?
The challenge for the teen could simulate navigating the parking lot of Andy’s in the heat of a drought-ridden summer —while texting.
Clearly our desperate car-wife would have mussed hair and no makeup on at the starting line.
The obstacle course could include a school crossing and pickup feature for our heroine. The other competitors would obviously have to avoid running over any of the children (not real kids; don’t be ridiculous).
A challenge for the beer guzzler could be a simulation of going through a drive-through at Taco Bell at 3 a.m. without hitting any of the protective bollards around the window. The one in town that appears to have been hit the most is at the Sonic on South Broadway. How hard can that really be?
The challenge for the teen could simulate navigating the parking lot of Andy’s in the heat of a drought-ridden summer —while texting.
To add to the urgency in each case there could be screaming, hungry children in the back of the car-wife’s Lexus SUV. The redneck (for obvious reasons we will not refer to him as Bubba) could have some rods, reels and fishing lures in a tackle box and several text messages from his buddies simulating fish were really biting at the lake.
Finally our teen texter could have the simulated crisis of needing to get to a one-hour sale at Old Navy while being forced to babysit their little sister.
The drama would be riveting.
We all know the end of this story. The teen stops at the real Andy’s for ice cream on the way home and forgets about the sale and the little sister. They arrive at home only to meet the extended hand of a parent insisting the phone is now grounded from the child.
The redneck jackknife’s his truck in the Taco Bell drive-thru and requires the Jaws of Life to get out of the pickle just in time to get cuffed and booked for DUI.
Our heroine meanwhile emerges from her vehicle fully coiffed and made up and even has fresh polish on her nails (Is it just me or is anyone else picturing Kelly Ripa?). The tinted windows in her vehicle camouflaged her activities and she acts as if it was all a tempest in a teapot. The music from “Bewitched” can be heard faintly in the background.
She remarks as she accepts the winner’s trophy that multitasking is not just for Windows 7.
Finally our teen texter could have the simulated crisis of needing to get to a one-hour sale at Old Navy while being forced to babysit their little sister.
The drama would be riveting.
We all know the end of this story. The teen stops at the real Andy’s for ice cream on the way home and forgets about the sale and the little sister. They arrive at home only to meet the extended hand of a parent insisting the phone is now grounded from the child.
The redneck jackknife’s his truck in the Taco Bell drive-thru and requires the Jaws of Life to get out of the pickle just in time to get cuffed and booked for DUI.
Our heroine meanwhile emerges from her vehicle fully coiffed and made up and even has fresh polish on her nails (Is it just me or is anyone else picturing Kelly Ripa?). The tinted windows in her vehicle camouflaged her activities and she acts as if it was all a tempest in a teapot. The music from “Bewitched” can be heard faintly in the background.
She remarks as she accepts the winner’s trophy that multitasking is not just for Windows 7.
