Five Most Annoying Republicans In The World
In writing my weekly column, I often get a lot of flak for being so pro-Republican. "BEN," writes one reader this week, using liberals' favorite key, the CAPS LOCK, "YOU ARE A SCHILL [sic] FOR THE REPUBLICANS!! I HOPE YOU ROT IN (expletive deleted.)" Another reader, upset that I dared to castigate esteemed intellect Michael Moore in last week's column, wrote, "I dont [sic] know how you went to Harvard, but your [sic] a (expletive deleted.")
These masterpieces of vituperative skill provoke a couple of insights. First, those who hate best invariably spell worst. Second, I'm sure glad I was able to take advantage of that Harvard Law affirmative action program for middle-class Jewish kids.
But these readers have a point. I do spend a good deal of time ripping Democrats, mainly because they are in control of Congress, the presidency and the judiciary, their leadership is firmly committed to dismantling the United States Constitution piece by piece, and they are busily leading us down the primrose path to ruin in both economic and foreign policy terms. Republicans, by contrast, deserve criticism mainly for wimping out in fighting Democrats.
Nonetheless, there are Republicans worthy of criticism. Here, then, are the five most annoying Republicans in the country. Not all of them are legislators. Not all of them are even influential. But all of them make rational people want to shove an ice pick through their eye sockets.
5. Bristol Palin. Sideshow Bristol is the mainstream media's (vulgarity deleted). Because her mother is Sarah Palin, the press is only too happy to give this misguided teenager as much exposure as humanly possible. Whether she's engaged in an on-again, off-again romance with the Alaskan Kevin Federline, Levi Johnston, or telling the world that abstinence for teenagers is "unrealistic" based on her own inability to remain chaste, or shaking her hips on "Dancing With the Stars," Bristol is a never-ending nightmare for the Republican Party. It's not that she articulates Republican viewpoints badly -- it's that she just won't go away. She's the female Republican Billy Carter.
4. David Brooks. He just knows so much more than the rest of us. Like, for example, he knew that President Obama would be wonderful. Like, for example, he knows that the tea party won't matter in the long run, and that its members are narcissists and radicals. Like, for example, he knows that the American people are "moderates" who seek semi-big government and basic social liberalism such as gay marriage. He's wrong on every count, but he still gets play from the mainstream media. Why? Because he calls himself a conservative when he's really a left-leaning independent.
3. Gen. Colin Powell. Yes, he's still calling himself a Republican. And no, he isn't recanting his support for Marxist president Barack Obama, who he supported simply based on race. Powell's latest foray into the public square: encouraging Republicans to support the "DREAM Act," a piece of legislation designed to give special benefits to illegal immigrants. Why should Republicans support the DREAM Act? Because -- seriously -- they do work on his house.
"They're all over my house, doing things whenever I call for repairs, and I'm sure you've seen them at your house," he told NBC's "Meet the Press." "We've got to find a way to bring these people out of the darkness."
Note to Powell: The easiest way to bring illegal immigrants out of the darkness is to open a Home Depot and provide a water cooler in the parking lot.
2. Sen. Lindsey Graham. He's never met a liberal issue he couldn't embrace if given enough press coverage. Unlike the rest of the folks on this list, he's truly disingenuous -- Graham pretends to be a conservative when grilling Elena Kagan, then votes for her confirmation; he pretends to care about the tea party, but bashes it as "unsustainable." Here's what's unsustainable: Graham's career. Sooner or later, the voters of South Carolina will figure out that he's a used car salesman.
1. Meghan McCain. She's never done anything useful. Ever. Like Bristol Palin, she's got lucky by springing from the right womb. Unlike Bristol Palin, she thinks she knows something about politics. Her book, "Dirty Sexy Politics," is a self-aggrandizing bag of intellectual (vulgarity deleted) laden with racy asides.
Did you really want to know that a girl who would label herself "voluptuous" on eHarmony likes to tell "tawdry stories about crazy-sex"? (President Clinton, you can put your hand down.)
Here's how McCain's thinking works: She believes that those who oppose gay marriage are "H8ers!" because she has a gay friend named Josh. Yet despite representing precisely zero young conservatives, she has appeared on countless TV shows as the voice of young conservatives.
There you have it. Angry left-wingers, you now have evidence that I cannot stand some Republicans. Just keep one thing in mind: Any of these mental midgets would be able to squash you like a bug. How do I know? None of them use CAPS LOCK.