How to Make a Cow Mad
Hugh Neeld is a freelance columnist for TylerPaper.com.
June being National Dairy Month, I rummaged through my files trying to find something appropriate for the column. This is a reach, but here goes…
Not too long ago, there were lots of stories about the threat of mad cow disease to American cattle. It’s been a problem in Britain since 1986, but after reaching a peak of epidemic proportions, has now declined. Only one documented case of mad cow was found in the U.S., but according to the USDA, processing conditions were improved and existing policies are adequate to protect the food supply. This was small comfort, however, because until recently no one knew what caused mad cow disease. Now they know.
In a major expose’, my favorite newsletter, Unstable Sources, broke the story. For those of you who didn’t see it, here it is:
MAD COWS USE CELL PHONES
Kent, England — In another blow to the cellular industry, British scientists claim to have discovered the source of mad cow disease after catching a pair of Holsteins chatting on cell phones, which have been linked to eye cancer and brain dysfunction.
“We knew cell phones were dangerous, and we knew cows were intrigued by wireless technology,” the head researcher said, “but when we saw them using the phones we made the connection right away.”
Trying to eavesdrop, an investigator said he never heard the cows utter a word.
“Typical cell phone users,” he noted, “Nothing to say.”
Cell phone manufacturers, already plagued by studies linking cell phones to brain abnormalities, immediately denied the British claims.
“To say that cell phones could be the cause of this disease is as absurd as the notion that cows could use cell phones at all,” a Nokia spokesman said. But after photographic proof was shown, he was shocked.
“Good Lord,” he said. “What have we done?”
An Essex cattle owner admitted that, like many others, he used cell phones for years to communicate with his herd.
“I used it to tell them when it was time to be fed,” he said.
Once he learned of the connection to the disease, he took the cell phones away.
“That was not at all pleasant.” He added, “With all due respect, I don’t think you’ve really seen a mad cow until you take away its cell phone.”
Before this, the theory was that mad cow was caused by widespread tobacco use. This was ruled out last year, however, after a study showed that cigarette smoking among cows had dropped 45 percent over the past two years.
The cell phone diagnosis gives cattle owners hope that the disease can be treated by prohibiting cattle from using cell phones. The British Minister of Agriculture, meanwhile, lashed out at the cows for further endangering the community by not using hands-free devices.
I was glad that they finally had a handle on it over there, and hope that they’ll just give it a rest—we’ve got enough to worry about.
A question to ponder:
Are the things that come to those who wait the things left by those who were here first?
putterhugh@suddenlink.net
Hugh Neeld is a freelance columnist for TylerPaper.com.
Kent, England — In another blow to the cellular industry, British scientists claim to have discovered the source of mad cow disease after catching a pair of Holsteins chatting on cell phones, which have been linked to eye cancer and brain dysfunction.
“We knew cell phones were dangerous, and we knew cows were intrigued by wireless technology,” the head researcher said, “but when we saw them using the phones we made the connection right away.”
Trying to eavesdrop, an investigator said he never heard the cows utter a word.
“Typical cell phone users,” he noted, “Nothing to say.”
Cell phone manufacturers, already plagued by studies linking cell phones to brain abnormalities, immediately denied the British claims.
“To say that cell phones could be the cause of this disease is as absurd as the notion that cows could use cell phones at all,” a Nokia spokesman said. But after photographic proof was shown, he was shocked.
“Good Lord,” he said. “What have we done?”
An Essex cattle owner admitted that, like many others, he used cell phones for years to communicate with his herd.
“I used it to tell them when it was time to be fed,” he said.
Once he learned of the connection to the disease, he took the cell phones away.
“That was not at all pleasant.” He added, “With all due respect, I don’t think you’ve really seen a mad cow until you take away its cell phone.”
Before this, the theory was that mad cow was caused by widespread tobacco use. This was ruled out last year, however, after a study showed that cigarette smoking among cows had dropped 45 percent over the past two years.
The cell phone diagnosis gives cattle owners hope that the disease can be treated by prohibiting cattle from using cell phones. The British Minister of Agriculture, meanwhile, lashed out at the cows for further endangering the community by not using hands-free devices.
I was glad that they finally had a handle on it over there, and hope that they’ll just give it a rest—we’ve got enough to worry about.
A question to ponder:
Are the things that come to those who wait the things left by those who were here first?
putterhugh@suddenlink.net
Hugh Neeld is a freelance columnist for TylerPaper.com.
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