Hugh Neeld: The Curmudgeon Report

I used to think that the true harbinger of spring was the Purple Martin, who returns to this area about the same time each year. Careful observation, however, has persuaded me that a far more reliable harbinger is the UPS delivery man in his natty brown shorts.

I was paying for my lunch at Luby’s one day last week when the cashier pointed out the window at the UPS driver getting out of his truck. “Look! There’s another one,” she said. “That’s the third one I’ve seen today.”

All over East Texas, there are abundant signs of spring, as azaleas, dogwoods and daffodils bloom. For me, though, there is no surer sign of spring than the sight of a UPS man’s knobby knees in the open air after months of being hidden away beneath heavy brown fabric. I wondered if anybody else felt the same as I, and did as I usually do in that circumstance -- decided to conduct an impromptu poll.

A small tape recorder is always in my pocket when I’m out, in case I run into an opportunity to get interviews, and the mall (a perfect place to get a good cross-section of opinion) was just a couple of blocks away.

My first interview was with a real estate agent.

“Between the cold fronts and rain we’ve been having, I thought it would never warm up,” he said. “But then I saw a UPS guy in shorts on the street while driving to work this morning, and my heart soared. There’s nothing quite like that first sighting of the year.”

My next interview was with an insurance claims adjuster.

“I had a hard time concentrating on work today,” he said. “Seeing those UPS guys in their short pants made me want to run home, pick up my golf clubs and head for Briarwood. As a way to show my appreciation, I plan to stop off at the UPS office and send a five-pound parcel to Houston at the two-day shipping rate.”

It was beginning to look like that, even with the Purple Martins back and everything in bloom, many of us feel like spring hasn’t truly arrived until the first pair of sturdy calves are seen just below the hem line of those somber brown shorts.

Although scientists are not certain what evolutionary instinct, or UPS corporate policy tells the delivery men when to shed their long pants, the switch in attire has a powerful emotional pull on many.

“Ever since I was a kid, I haven’t been able to put my down jacket away for the year until I see a UPS man in shorts,” said a store manager. “I haven’t seen one this year, but something tells me today might be the day. Our UPS guy stops by about 3 p.m., and I’ve got a good feeling.”

I know the delivery drivers are well aware of the feelings they evoke when they cast off their bulky winter trousers each year. I interviewed one in the mall parking lot.

“My shorts symbolize rebirth. They give people hope for a new beginning,” he said. “Also, I get a lot more freedom of movement when I’m getting in and out of the truck.”

It occurred to me that this annual change would make a great media event, and visited with a local TV weatherman.

“You know,” he said, “you’re right. There’s something about those UPS men in their little brown shorts that brings out that spring feeling.”

When I suggested he could even add magnetized miniature shorts icons to the weather map until every county in East Texas has reported a sighting, he really got excited.

With next spring a year away, I don’t know if my idea will be adopted or not, but I’m sticking with the idea of using the UPS guys to determine the official arrival of spring.

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A question to ponder:

Is the reason some people appear bright until you hear them speak because light travels faster than sound?

putterhugh@suddenlink.net

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Hugh Neeld is a freelance columnist for TylerPaper.com.

Hugh Neeld is a freelance columnist for TylerPaper.com.
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