Kenneth Dean: On the Scene

Boxes wrapped with decorated paper and bows, what’s inside? I don’t know. Could it be a shirt and tie, a compact disc? Or could it be a singing fish?

Ahhhh, it’s Christmas and without a doubt someone in the world will receive a Big Mouth Billy Bass that sings a tune as it dances on its simulated taxidermy mount. Someone might even open their gift to discover a Clapper Plus that allows the user to turn his or her lights or appliances on or off by a remote control.

Is there such a thing as a bad Christmas gift?

Well, as my brother found out years ago, the answer to the above question can be yes.

I’ll never forget him calling me one year to ask what was so wrong about giving his then-wife a carpet shampooer for Christmas.

I laughed and then told him that to me it suggested his wife needed to clean house, to which he replied, “That is what she said.”

We have all given a gift that was questionable because we really didn’t have any idea what to get the person.

For me, one such gift would be a Homer Simpson Chia Pet.

Looking through a store’s sale flier recently, I saw the Chia Pet in new designs such as Homer and Shrek. For less than $20 you can give someone either of the famous cartoon characters with some sort of plant thingy growing from their head. I guess the Chia Pet people didn’t realize both characters are bald — or maybe they did.

Some gifts remind me of the toys on Misfit Island from Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, where all the toys were different. The cowboy riding an ostrich and the train with square wheels were promised by Santa to be loved by someone.

One of the misfit gifts would certainly have to be Play-Doh Cologne.

Yes, you read correctly.

This limited edition cologne was created to celebrate the 50th anniversary of Play-Doh.

Hasbro, the distributor of the substance we all played with as kids, said the fragrance is meant for highly creative people, who seek a whimsical scent reminiscent of their childhood.

“Close your eyes and you’re back in kindergarten all over again! It’s amazing how the scent of Play-Doh can take you to another time and place,” the company’s Web site states.

Does this mean if I wear it I get to take naps at work and enjoy kickball and afternoon snacks?

For the hot dog lover in your family there is the Octodog Hot Dog Converter, which takes a regular hot dog and shapes it like an octopus. Why anyone would invent such a gadget and why anyone else would sell it is beyond me.

I tried to find a hot dog bun on the Internet to fit the hot dog, but I was unable to do so.

Another gift is the “incredible” Pocket Fisherman, which hit the market in the 1970s, promising to land a big one with the ease of a regular size rod and reel. The handle holds the tackle and a folding rod snaps into place for anglers on the go.
My father got one of the Pocket Fishermans one year for Christmas and actually tried it once or twice, but never landed a fish. I remember it being sold years later in a garage sale. I think my father even sold it by telling the man a little fish tale.

Over the years there have been quirky items such as Pet Rocks and mood rings that swept the nation and the world and people just had to have them. There are a zillion weird gifts and we can’t forget the flashing, singing tie that the giver believes you will actually wear to the office.

But Christmas is not about the gift itself, but the thought behind the gift.

With this said, if anyone decides to get me a Christmas gift and you cannot decide what to get, please forgo the Play-Doh cologne, the Octodog, the Clapper and just send cash.

Have a Merry Christmas.

Kenneth Dean
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